Ignorance Is Bliss

Today I had a fascinating conversation with a member of my family. I don't know if I've ever mentioned this but, basically I've been enacting a sort of social experiment with my own family. In order for me to improve upon my knowledge of people and gauge my analytical accuracy, occasionally I have to test certain hypotheses. As an exercise many times I go into a situation with a certain goal and grade myself on not only the achievement of said goal but also the speed and cunning used. For instance, the most amateur level of this is going into a conversation with the goal of "make this person feel this (ie. Happy/sad)."

But anyways, the experiment was (and is currently) to on occasion reveal obvious clues to my sociopathy to key family members. My hypothesis is that anything short of literally screaming "I'm a psychopath" at the top of my lungs (and that still may not work..) and my family will never put two and two together. No matter how blatant the clues. Because of the human tendency to paint people as something they're not, the people who cling to me will never accept that I'm not who they want me to be, unless I shove it in their face and even then, I "must be confused."

It must have something to do with being constantly drowned in unwanted emotions all the time. My emotions are so bland, and on the rare occasion that something is so traumatic it gives me a bit of a twitch, any 'emotion' I may feel is instantly translated into extreme irritation. I am almost positive that I must not feel the exact same things everyone else seems to, because they appear to be completely overdramatic. All the time. I cannot comprehend the 'depth' that feelings apparently are supposed to go. The only emotion I know for a fact I have felt purely and deeply is absolute rage. And I enjoyed it. Like a red haze of pure bliss; addictive. For this reason I avoid such loss of control as much as possible.

“Boredom is rage spread thin”- Paul Tillich